Broken vows- The Bachelor is back

The first Monday in January always brings out a special je-ne-sais-quoi in me.  If you don't know me very well, you may think things like "Wow- look at that girl and her 'New Year, New You' attitude.  Check out the pep in her step.  She's so revitalized from the holiday break!"  Those who do know me will understand that I am just counting down the hours until Chris Harrison starts hosing down the Bachelor mansion driveway and dreaming of eating handfuls of Smartfood on my couch for two hours while judging every woman I see on my TV screen.

After Chris' season, I took a solemn vow that I would never watch The Bachelor/ette again.  I absolutely hated when Kaitlyn and Britt "competed" to be The Bachelorette and, in response, I put my foot down.  I was done.  Finito.  I didn't watch The Bachelorette, I didn't talk about The Bachelorette and I certainly didn't write about The Bachelorette.  As the new year approached, I could feel a pull...  I tried to deny it.  "Don't feed the hunger!", I told myself.  "You're stronger than this!", I told myself in the mirror.

I cracked.  Monday night, at 8pm, with the remote control clasped in my shaking hands, raw instincts took over.  Before I knew it, I was being lulled by Chris Harrison's voice and I couldn't take my eyes off of the television.  You guys know I can't resist Chris Harrison...  I mean...  did you see his pic in GQ??

Considering I had boycotted Kaitlyn's season, I knew absolutely nothing about this Ben character.  First impression?  Ah-dorbs!!  He is sooooooo cuuuuuuute.  He comes across as a pretty normal dude.  His energy reminds me a bit of Sean but less virgin-y.  He has a confidence about him but in a way that will likely put the girls at ease.  My only complaint (so far) is that he was only shown with his shirt off once and it was for less than 15 seconds.  

The girls' intro videos are always pretty entertaining but only really show you a glimpse at the total nutbars and the ones with sad stories.  So far, this season has fewer tragedies than usual and seemingly more nutbars.  I'm sure the waterworks and drunken confessions will come out soon.

When it comes to any reality TV show, I loathe "twin twists".  Twins?!?  That's just cruel. First of all, no one (but mostly not Ben) will be able to tell them apart and keep them straight.  They'll have to come up with some sort of "I wear blue" or "My braid is always on the left" gimic.  One will always be crying and the other will always be telling her to get over it.  The crying one will try to be all noble and walk off the show because her sister "deserves" to win only to find out that Ben liked the crying one better and he won't give the mean one a rose.  I bet the producers sit around drinking and think of ways they can mess with everyone's emotions. I would.

You know what I dislike as much, if not more, than twin twists?!  I'll tell you.  I haaaaaate when past contestants are brought back. (who's Amber?!) I loved Becca and think she's a total sweetheart but it causes so much tension in the house.  The only good thing that can come from bringing back past contestants is me using the "who is she" pic of Elyse which I do at least 6 times a season and occasionally in my personal life.

I actually have that picture on the desktop of my computer so I can break it out at any and every opportunity.  If you didn't watch Ben Flajnik's season if The Bachelor, here is all you need to know:

Although we viewers didn't get to see all of the girls in action last night, here are some of my (judgey) first impressions:

Caila made a great first impression in her intro video. She has a fun and easygoing energy.  She seems a bit goofy but it could be nerves.  I wish she wouldn't have run out of the limo and leaped into his arms but he'll probably remember her for it.



Samantha reminds me of Becca in her gentle nature.  I worry that, sometimes, the more introverted nice girls don't get the attention they should in the beginning.  I couldn't even find a picture of Sam by googling "Samantha bachelor Ben".  Hopefully Ben will forget about her (along with the rest of the viewers) for a while but then have an amazing date and everyone will be like "Who the heck is Sam?" and you'll know...  you'll know.



Jubilee = terrifying. She is one bad ass lady!  She's a military vet and could kick my a$$ is about 10 seconds flat.  She certainly has her eye on the prize and said "There may be some casualties but all is fair in love and war" during her intro.  Assertive and tough girls don't tend to go far on The Bachelor.  I hope she is able to show him a bit of a softer side and let her guard down a bit.  I admire her strength and drive but it would be great to see her in a relaxed or playful setting so that Ben can get to know her better.


The Bachelor loves giving dentists a bad name.  Since Ashley Hebert, there are always crazy dentists or dental hygienists. Mandi is no exception. A friend once told me that you can never trust a girl with close-set eyes.  Case and point.








Amanda was my absolute front-runner for the first impression rose.  She is cute cute cute cute and her little daughters are cuter cuter cuter.  Being divorced with two kids at age 25 has got to be rough.  I find that the mom's on The Bachelor are typically a bit more mature and ready for a serious relationship than others their age.  They've put up with a ton of crap from past relationships and have so much at stake throughout the process.  Amanda's helium voice does make me twitch a tiny bit but I predict that Ben will be drawn to her quickly.


Have we learned nothing from casting Tierra/Tiara's?  If you didn't watch Sean's season of The Bachelor, you really should.  Even if it's just Episode 5 where the ladies pack their bags and head to Jasper/Banff, Alberta,  I won't ruin the whole season but Tierra turns out to be a crazy crazy person and looks like this after spending about 5 minutes in the cold:   ....  I digress.  This season's Tiara is a self-proclaimed chicken enthusiast and, although she seems quite
sweet and normal, we'll never know if there is a crazy bird lady in there just
waiting to fly the coop.



JoJo is one of the most beautiful girls in the house.  Unfortunately, she was wearing a totally weird unicorn head when she came out of the limo.  I predict JoJo will go far.  Is it too early to call a Final 3??  If I looked like that, I would never wear a unicorn head.



 

I had incredibly high hopes for Laura.  She was definitely out of her element and may have lacked the confidence to really stand out against all of the other girls.  I thought she would get a rose for sure.  T even picked her as the winner (amateur...).








Lace, Lace, Lace.  I was going to use her headshot but you probably wouldn't recognize her when she's smiling.  Her face looked like this most of the night.  I've heard horror stories of how late these tapings go and how the girls are provided with minimal food and unlimited booze.  That is a recipe for disaster for most women.  The vino may be bringing out Lace's true colors but I do look forward to seeing her manipulate Ben into liking her and have all the other girls warn him behind her back.


I was so surprised to see Jessica leave without a rose.  She immediately put Ben at ease and he seemed so into her.









Jackie is so sweet!  If she can stand out against all of the crazies and establish a close relationship with Ben quickly, I can see her as a Top 5 gal.










Olivia is stunnnnnning. She makes Ben so nervous but in a good way. He couldn't take his eyes off of her and, gave her the first impression rose.  Wouldn't she look amazing with a Cameron Diaz-esque short bob?  (yes she would).  Also- I hope she wears her hair curly in the coming weeks.


Overall, I'm excited about this season.  I love being judgey and rolling my eyes at everything ever but let's be real- I wouldn't last 30 seconds in that house.  I'd be completely drunk napping in the corner by myself.  These ladies obviously have guts and tons of confidence and I look forward to witnessing their social and romantic demise as the weeks go by.  Comments?  Predictions?  Leave me a note below or tweet me @midtowndiaries.

Women Tell... each other off... And other thoughts on The Bachelor

My sincere apologies for being completely M.I.A lately.  I've been so caught up in things going on at home and at work and Justin Bieber's birthday falling on a Sunday this year really threw me off.

Luckily, I snapped out of my birthday cake induced coma just in time to spend an evening with 20 or so of my closest eliminated Bachelor contestants.

I always get a good laugh out of the "Crash the party" segments where Chris Harrison (swoon) and the Bachelor show up at viewing parties.  I know there must be some sort of pre-plan and the parties know that production or someone is showing up but it is legit hilar.  I don't even care who the Bachelor is.  If Chris Harrison came to my house any day, I'd die.  I've been keeping a journal of things I need advice about just in case I meet him one day.  He is the best.  I really want to find the house full of drunk girls at the end of the segment and invite them to my birthday party.  Seriously though... Chris Harrison is amazing.

There is a villain during every season of The Bachelor/ette but there seemed to be a lot of legit hurt feelings and distrust between this group of girls.  Of course, the first gal up in the hot seat was Britt who truly thought Carly was her friend.  The proof?  Britt: "I was sitting on your bed crying!  I put cucumbers on my eyes from my salad!!".  Obviously Britt has never heard of a frenemy.

It's tragic that Britt believes she would still be with Chris if it hadn't been for Carly.  Britt clearly isn't a mean spirited person and I don't think she's trying to be fake.  I do believe that she got a bit wrapped up in the show and in the glamour of it all.  She has a very intense personality and I don't know if Chris would have been able to keep up with her.  Britt was quick to blame production and Carly for tainting her love story.  I think Carly is hilarious and I admire her quick wit.  That being said, she did get busted a few times last night for saying funny but hurtful things about several of the girls.  She may have learned to be more gentle and kind with her humour last night.  

Can I just say one more thing about Chris Harrison?  How adorbs was it when he was sitting on the couch making sure Britt was okay during the commercial break?  There she was crying all over the place and he just sat there and listened.  I mean...

Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey...  what is left to say about Kelsey?  One compliment I will give is that girl can rock a jewel tone!  Her new bangs kept falling in her face which drove me friggin' nuts.  If Kelsey was my kid's guidance counsellor, I would find another school district.  Even the tiniest tad of humility could serve her really well.  Kelsey appeared to be a front-runner in the beginning.  She seemed sweet, sincere and did have a touching story about losing her husband at such a young age.  That being said, her "greater than thou" attitude rubbed everyone the wrong way, including Chris.  

Kelsey was sniffling and snuffling through her whole interview but was missing one key ingredient in crying- tears.  When Chris Harrison (yum) asked Kelsey why she thought that girls don't like her, her answer was "I hear they don't like me because I'm condescending and I use big words."  She somehow found a way to be condescending while trying to tell us she's not condescending.  Uggg.  She is clearly misunderstood and, although she was given lots of chances to explain and clear things up, she really just dug herself deeper holes with all of the girls.  Who cares what KardAshley thinks really because she was just as mean, if not more so, to and about Kelsey.  But it's safe to say Kelsey won't be appearing in many Instagram after-party selfies this morning.

We finally get a chance to catch up with Ashley S. and she has gone back on her meds after her health insurance must have run out when she came to L.A.  Holy moly...

There's no denying that Ashley is batshit cray odd but she did show (a bit) more of a "normal" side to her last night.  She told Chris that she found it difficult to take the process seriously with all of the cameras and drama.  She enjoys riding bikes and being silly so it was her natural reaction to block out out of bit of the crazy with... well... crazy!  I think she was really out of her element but also probably messing with us all too.  I will likely tune in to the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise just to see what goes down.  Way to try and boost ratings, ABC!

Being dumped right after hometown visits is the ultimate diss.  If I was Jade, I would go on a rampage with my family being like "What did you say to him?!" "Why did you show him the picture of me with a mullet in grade 5?!" To be fair, the girl with the normal house and lower to middle class family rarely makes it to the fantasy suite.  Vienna was the rare exception in Jake's season.  She lived on a friggin' alligator farm (which later appeared on an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians).  There's always a sibling to blame and Jade's brother referring to her as a "wild mustang" was a pink flag if not full out red.  It was just so opposite to what Chris had seen in her personality (or lack thereof).  

People can absolutely grow and change but Jade is 28 and likely in that "been there done that" stage when it comes to partying and posing nude for Playboy...  That being said, Chris probably realized that maybe he didn't know her well at all and he saw a more deep rooted connection with Becca, Kaitlyn and Whitney.

Kaitlyn was the last girl eliminated before the Final Rose ceremony.  She really does seem awesome.  She's smart, funny and has a great spirit.  I didn't love her abrupt style of humour at first but she grew on me as the season went on.  I love her confidence and can see her as the next Bachelorette.  She reminds me of both Andi and Ali.  She's fun-loving and confident, nice but sassy.  I also want her and Jillian Harris to team up on a design show, mostly because they're both from Canada.

Finally, the man of the hour, Chris Soules comes out to face all of the women he's dumped in our living rooms over the past few months.  He was so nervous that his facial muscles were twitching.  He is seriously the worst communicator ever.  I know it's a lot to be confronted by all of these girls with the cameras on your and a live studio audience but this guy makes a French Canadian hockey player sound like Shakespeare!  Chris dodges questions and uses cliche lines that are more offensive than helpful.  When Kaitlyn asked what happened and why she was sent home, he told her, at that point it was like "throwing darts in the dark".  I guess she got the bullseye.  Brutal.  

I don't have high hopes for Chris' relationship with Whitney or Becca.  He is a nice enough guy but he's a bit of a snoozefest and doesn't seem all that tuned in to women's emotional needs.  I was much more of a fan when he was on The Bachelorette.  He's just not willing to move or compromise.  His greatest asset is the dowry of farm animals his parents could offer up.  The women, in this season, are expected to give up so much more than Chris is and, to top it all off, they had to suffer through really shitty trips and dates.  The Badlands- America's Romance Capital.  Come on now...

My best bet is that Chris will pick Whitney in the finale but he should pick Becca.  I don't foresee an engagement as this back-to-Iowa-to-meet-the-Soules will bring out every insecurity Chris has about Arlington and making the right decision.

The Women Tell All ended on a real Dr. Philism as Chris Harrison promoted his new romance novel coming to a bookstore near you in May.  

Looking forward to watching the finale and hearing what you all have to say along the way.  Please leave your predictions below or follow along on Twitter @midtowndiaries.

These girls be cray!! The Bachelor Recap- Week 2

Remember a week ago when I said that this is probably the most beautiful and normal group of girls to ever grace the Bachelor Mansion.  I retract my comment.  These girls are gorgeous but way cray!

After leaving us with the Kimberly cliffhanger last week, I'm disappointed that the women of America have learned nothing from past contestants.  Can we take a moment to remember Kacie B showing up in Switzerland to try to get Ben back?  We all know how that ended- with Kacie lying on the hotel lobby floor (with her face touching the carpet) crying.

Before:

After:  

There was also that fateful day when Shawntel from Brad's season tried to muscle her way in to Ben's heart during a cocktail party?  That went well...

A move like that will, not only put a massive target on your back with the other girls but it never- and I mean never- ends well.  Let's all agree to just move on when a guy dumps us for 23 other women ok?

Thank goodness our favorite confidant Chris Harrison was around to give Chris S. some solid advice and remind him that this is life we're talking about; not just a game.  He should (say it with me now) follow... his... heart.

Quick question...  Does Chris have an indoor shower or just a little hut in his yard with a tap?  Does he use sulfate free soap because I didn't see a lather...  

During the first group date, "Show Me Your Country" (I refuse to comment...), Megan and Jillian are stuck at home so they do what anyone would do- get day drunk and break into Chris' house!  To be fair, if I was at home while my boyfriend was out dating a bunch of other girls, I'd drink a box of wine, put on a helmet and hit my head against a few hard surfaces too.  I've been day drunk for way less worthy reasons but I've always been wearing pants while doing so... unlike Jillian.  

Chris was really sweet to give Kimberly some one-on-one time during the pool party but I knew things were going downhill when the producers were interviewing her outside... at a bustop in LA... while she was wearing only a bikini...  She really should have just hailed down the first limo she saw and headed back to Long Island.

I was a bit surprised that Chris singled out MacKenzie to hang with after the group date.  I assume he is trying to get a feel for whether or not to keep her around.  It's pure gold listening to the girls try to justify why there weren't picked for one-on-one time.  "He's just such a great guy that he's trying to be really fair to everyone."  Then, as they are walking back to their limos, they get more and more bitter about it.

MacKenzie is young (a 12 year difference between them) and I think that maturity gap is going to become an issue.  She was obviously really nervous and maybe a bit drunk but the girl is 21.  I remember my first time at a bar.  Just a suggestion but maybe she could have omitted the chat about aliens.  Or when your date says "Have you seen aliens?", don't reply with "... I dunno..."

I wish MacKenzie would have told Chris about her son Kale with a bit more confidence and pride instead of making it seem like she had a bit scary secret to share.

It was a bit surprising to see Megan get the one-on-one date but she seems like a nice enough girl.  Has she ever watched The Bachelor though because how can you not understand a date card?  She thought it was just a love note??  Really?!
FINALLY!  I've been waiting two episodes for a helicopter but who was prepared for a private jet and a helicopter?!

Wow- look at that Hoover Dam...  stunning...  Was the Grand Canyon closed to tourists that day because there were zero people around.  Maybe the date was at 5am or something.  My girl @Britt_Landry brings up a good point- where does that pilot go during the date?

Super sad about Megan's dad passing away right before filming.  Good for her for sticking through and seeming to have a positive attitude about things.  Also kudos for not saying "My dad would have wanted me to stay."  Because no girl's dad wants them to date a guy who has 23 other gfs on TV for the entire world to see.

Group date to the Zombie Hunting warehouse- I would die.  I hate hate hate being scared.  I can't go through the least scary level of a haunted house in Niagara Falls.  My husband loves zombies and would kill (no pun intended) to go on this date with Chris.  I, on the other hand, would hunt Chris if he put me on this date.  It is actually my real life personal nightmare.  Big ups to the girl doing Fireball shots before getting out of the limo.

What is wrong with Ashley S?  Seriously though.  Wtf is going on?  Chris is so incredibly nice to her but kind of in the way I'm nice to a junior kindergartner when they are trying to show me their ladybug boots but get distracted by a sparkly scarf.  Although the girls acknowledge she's bat shit cray, they're actually pretty patient with her and don't partake in the bullying behaviour that we've seen on past seasons.

I thought that Britt might be falling to the sidelines a bit but that Free Kiss note was (corny- yes) but also really thoughtful and he knew it would be the perfect gift for her.  Someone should really pull her aside and advise her to "trust the process".

The cocktail hour was a bit of a gong show as emotions are running high and wine is pouring freely.

Fertility Girl (Whitney) still has a crazy voice but she seems to be more comfortable with Chris and more herself.  Her mini date by the fire was really cute and a good way to stand out a bit from the crowd.

Ashley Kardashian I. is pushing this virgin thing a bit too much.  I don't think it's something she has to come out and confess to Chris.  The info might be more relevant if she was saving it until marriage or for religious reasons but he doesn't need to know that now.  I wish I could take back seeing her "Make three wishes on my bellybutton ring.  Rub it first" routine.

Arabian niiiiiiiiiiiights...  

Jordan...  Jordan, Jordan, Jordan...  When you're talking to a guy about how much you want to kiss him and his reaction is nervous laughter, you should just walk yourself out to the front door and wait for your ride.  To be honest- Jordan's really not that crazy.  She is that hammered but seems like a fun gal.  I would love to hit the town with her and am available for drinks whenever she gets out of rehab.  

Lots of drama at the Rose Ceremony.  The highlights?  Chris says "Juelia" and Jillian starts walking toward him.  She slips on the floor almost taking a massive spills but makes an incredible recovery only to find out that Chris called the girl behind her.

                       
Ashley S. gets a rose.  The only thing that will make this ok is if Chris pulls a Brad and the Ashleys become best friends and Chris makes them go on a 2-on-1 and only one will remain.

Kimberly without a rose twice?!  Ouch.  Lesson learned, ladies of America.

Tara's exit speech = awesome.  "I'm never anyone's #1.  You'd think I'd be used to all the rejection by now.  That will haunt me for the rest of my life"

A couple of closing notes:
- 9:15pm:  The first time I have ever seen a girl eat food on any season.  Jillian took a bit of pita bread.
- Where did Tandra come from?!

- Chris has no upper lip when he smiles.  This was pointed out by my husband who was walking through the room between periods of the hockey game he was watching (just trying to justify his manhood).  

What surprised you about last night's episode?  Would you like to be a contributor to next week's blog?  Follow me on Twitter @midtowndiaries or Like my Facebook page.  A big thank you to all my contributors this week with a special shout out to @Britt_Landry, @MegCams and @sarahcatherinef for all your tweets and texts.  It's always a joy to watch "with" you despite being four provinces away!

See you next week, Bachelor Nation!