First comes love then comes marriage. Then comes...

I have to admit- life is treating me pretty well!  I'm settling in to a new job while getting used to being called by a new last name.  I'm only a month into married life but T and I are really excited about seeing what the future has in store for us.

Needless to say,  I have a lot to be thankful for.  But, as I'm sure all young couples can testify, there is a whole lot of pressure that comes with being in a long term loving relationship (married or not).  The question I have come to dread is: 

It's not so much the topic that bothers me.  I think it's perfectly natural to wonder if a couple wants kids or is planning to have kids in the future.  It feels great to have friends and family encouraging us to join forces and send a bunch of D&T Mini-Me's out into the world.  That being said, I can't help but feel a bit defensive when the response to things like "I have a new job" and "We just got married!" is "When are you having babies?!"

I know there is only good intent behind these comments but it adds a lot of pressure that is hard to push aside.  Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for, YES.  We do want children and absolutely intend on taking you all up on your offers to babysit when our children actually exist but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Although we see the Facebook and Instagram pictures 9 months later, I know that pregnancy, or even conceiving for that matter, is complex and not a smooth ride for a lot of women.  I have had some incredibly honest and beautiful conversations with friends lately who have shared stories of fear, trauma and even loss during their pregnancies.  For some, they tried years to have a child.  A few friends waited years to try.  One friend planned the day she would conceive but had a horrible pregnancy and a dangerous birth.  

The whole thing is really scary and overwhelming but it must have been this way for our cousins, aunts, mothers and grandmothers too.  I suppose maybe it's easier now to connect online and join the discussion with other women and families who may be seeking support or advice for topics that feel too personal over family dinner.  

Do you or have you struggled with feelings of uncertainly or insecurity when it comes to planning for children?  Am I being a crazy person and have nothing to worry about?  Join the conversation @midtowndiaries #wombworries 

Wedding Woes and Making it to I Do

It's been a few weeks since T and I had our wedding and life is starting to get back to normal.  After a year and a half of "wedding" being in every second sentence out of our mouths, it is incredibly gratifying to know that it's over and we survived it!

I would often hear that planning a wedding can be stressful but the truth is, the stressful parts have little to nothing to do with you as a couple of the logistics of the wedding itself.  Weird things start to happen when you try to bring everyone you care about together for the most special day of your life together as a couple.  To be honest, I really struggled through the majority of our wedding planning.  T was a huge help and took on a lot of the work and organization but my heart often wasn't completely in it.  I wanted to get married; I just had my doubts about how we were going about doing it.

Part of the problem for me was the feeling of disconnect from my own wedding.  T has a massive family with tons of aunts, uncles and cousins who, along with all of his good friends, live within 30 mins of our venue.  The majority of my small family lives on the other side of the country and my long-time good friends are spread out all over the place.  T's family and friends were wonderful and were a great help and support but, throughout the planning process, I was always missing that piece of my family and traditions from the East Coast.  I found myself dragging my heels on most big decisions because I just didn't "see" it.  I couldn't imagine the end result and had anxiety about the day being special for everyone; not just us.

For anyone planning a wedding, there will be hard days and disappointments along the way.  Below are the top 5 things I was told during wedding planning and then the truth of how it really was:

1.  It's your day.  You can plan it however you want.
     - HA.  Everyone close to you will have a preconceived notion of what your wedding looks like.  I can't count the times we heard "But you have  to invite _______." or "You're not having a cake?!" or "I'll call my friend.  It will be way cheaper there.".  Although, at the end of the day it's YOU getting married, often times it feels like it's everyone's day but your own.

2.  I wouldn't miss your wedding for the world.  I can't wait.
     - I understand that everyone has their own lives.  People are busy, have prior commitments, have to work, are away, don't have child care, etc.  But please- if you have no intention of attending a wedding or think you might not be able to make it, don't tell the bride or groom you will be there at any point in the planning process.  We experienced a lot of disappointments from expecting close friends and even family members to be at our wedding and they couldn't come.  Most people let us know far in advance and 98% of the reasons were totally legit.  But we really struggled with the emotional toll that our "No" RSVPs took on us.

3.  You haaave to take a honeymoon.
     - According to my most recent Facebook research, it is completely out of the question for most couples I know to take off for a full out glamorous honeymoon.  I just started a new job and I don't get a vacation until next summer so it was really impossible for us to get away.  That being said, we did escape to Vegas a few weeks before the wedding which I would recommend to anyone!  We are planning to have a weekend out of town soon to process the past month and have a bit of time away but it seems like the mini-moon is the new honeymoon.

4.  I know a friend who can do that.
     - Brides and grooms beware of the elusive "friend" who can do hair/arrange flowers/play music/officiate weddings/etc.  Although it's tempting to save a few bucks or support local "talent", this can quickly backfire if proper contracts aren't put in place.  Your friend or family member always has the best intentions by suggesting someone they know but you really don't want to risk walking down the aisle with a fist full of dandelions or asking your accordion playing uncle to play the first dance when your musician bails.

5.  Your friends are going to bend over backwards to help you.
     - Our friends bent over backwards, did somersaults, swam across oceans and did anything and everything we asked of them.  They did everything we needed that we didn't ask for!  They were amazing.  Our eyes were completed opened to how much love and support we have around us and what wonderful people we surround ourselves with everyday.  When our spirits were at their worst, our friends were there to throw parties, plan outings, make appointments and hand us a cold beer.

I don't mean to sound doomy and gloomy when I speak of our wedding.  There were some really happy and lovely moments along the way.  It just didn't become real for me until after the rehearsal when both of our families and wedding parties were sitting around the same table sharing stories and some laughs.  That was one of the first points that I relaxed and felt like we were doing the right thing.  The next few days were actually quite fun and we were able to enjoy time with our families and friends.

People have asked me for advice since our wedding and it's difficult to give.  Everyone's wedding planning experience is so personal and different.  No matter how you do it, there will be people and situations to deal with that have nothing to do with your future together.  You have to take time to separate what is important and what is not.  Allot small chunks of time to planning and don't go over.  Have wedding-free evenings where you cannot, must not and will not speak of your wedding.

Just remember that, when it's over, it's really really over.  Everyone's attention will go on to the next couple (ehem...  M&M...) and life will go back to a new normal.

Have any advice or ways your coped with the stress of wedding planning?  Join the conversation @midtowndiaires #weddingtips