Arie's back and so am I!

After an 18 month hiatus, I am officially back in Midtown.  In the past year and a half, I have experienced the most dramatic life season yet after welcoming my very own baby bachelor in April.  Several months have passed and I can finally stay up until 10pm (sometimes...).  This means I'm fully renewing my Bachelor Nation membership.

I won't lie to you.  I was less than excited to hear that Arie was this season's Bachelor.  Emily's season, in 2012, was one of my favorites but I was #teamJef all the way.  Arie and Emily would have never worked out although I'm convinced Sean and Emily would still be together if he had won.  But then there would be no Sean and Catherine and therefore no Samuel and no baby-on-the-way and fewer super annoying paid Instagram ads on my feed each day.  I have to assume that viewership is down and producers are trying to get back their uber-loyal Emily-era fans.  You win this round, ABC.

For those of you who didn't see Emily's season, this hilarious recap will tell you everything you need to know.  Wait...  I just found this photo...  was he dating Courtney?  Please say "no".

I will give Arie the benefit of the doubt and assume there will be a (shirtless) montage about how much he has grown and matured in the past five years.  My other prediction is that he's a total ego-maniac playboy and the contestants will collectively shed enough tears throughout the season to hose down a driveway.

There are 29 contestants this year and seemingly the most racial diverse group we've seen on The Bachelor.  I refused to watch Nick's season and missed Rachel's season due to a certain pesky 3 week old taking over my life and home.  From what I now know of her, I hope that Rachel paved the way for more girls who don't fit the historical Bachelor/ette mold. 

But enough with the pleasantries.  Let's get straight to judging a bunch of vulnerable women who are about to get their hearts ripped out on national television.

Here are the gals who made big impressions on me during the premiere:

Chelsea.  *sigh*  Do I have to? 

Will we all really have to deal with another girl like Chelsea?  She's already showing her Mean Girl colors and proving that she's not here to make friends.  She reminds me of Courtney from Ben F's season with a bit of Olivia from Ben H's season.  With Arie, she's playing the mysterious/sexy card but it's coming off as distant and cold.  She needs to be careful as some of the other girls will open up in a much more authentic way.  Girls who are this assertive so early are clearly acting out of fear and insecurity.  I almost punched the TV when Arie gave her that friggin' first impression rose.  She's nasty, everyone will hate her, she'll be around for weeks, she won't win and she'll never be the Bachelorette.  In the mean time, we'll all love to hate her and the casting team will all get raises.  Ew.





Caroline.  My instincts tell me she is too successful and too much of an alpha for Arie.  She also has horrible judgement.  How can you wear a white gown on the first night when you know that it will get dragged across the wet driveway when you get out of the limo?  Rookie move, Caroline.  Rookie move.










Maquel.  She initially reminds me of Lauren Bushnell (the winner of Ben H's season).  They have a bit of a similar vibe.  She made a massive first impression by entering in a race car.  She's only 23 but will go far. 










Nysha.  Although she didn't make much of an impression on me or Ben (she was sent home without a rose), the poor girl never had a chance.  She's a nurse and, everyone knows, girls in health care professions be crazy on this show. 





Tia.  Despite being from a town called Weiner and being the good friend of former contestant. Raven (Nick's season), Tia is one of my Final 3 predictions.  She has a great sense of humour and Arie seems so relaxed during their time together.  She should never wear a color other than emerald green as she was so gorgeous in her gown.


Kendall.  During her "meet the women" video, red flags were going off all over the place.  Her love of taxidermy combined with a song on ukulele about said love of taxidermy made me nervous,  I thought she was too free-spirited and confident for Arie and had serious Crazy potential.  I saw images of Ashley from Chris Soule's season.  Wasn't she convinced that aliens were going to come down and probe her?  By the end of the episode, my opinion of her really changed.  She seems much more down-to-earth than we were led to believe and she has a really authentic charm.  I hope we get to see more of Kendall in weeks to come.  Do I think she's a great fit for Arie?  No.  But I think she will make some great commentary about the crazies in one-on-one interviews. 

Bekah.  I'm confused by my own feelings for Bekah.  She's certainly buzz-worthy and stands out from all of the other girls.  The girl is playing with a wide open heart and it's inevitable that she will be completely crushed at the end of her "journey" with Arie.  Despite being a long lost Hepburn and an incredibly old soul, Bekah's age and vulnerability will be the nail in her Bachelor coffin.  She will probably also drive the other women crazy and, at some point, sneak out to find Arie and make out in the ocean.  The next day, she will see Arie making out with someone else and be found crying in the bathroom.  You heard it here first...



Marikh.  This girl is going to be trouble!  Despite being strikingly beautiful and a real go-getter, Marikh will prove to be too much for Arie (and the other girls).  I predict she will be group date material with some one-on-one time thrown in here and there but won't be in the top 10.







Krystal.  She certainly makes a strong impression.  My concern is for her heart.  This girl is as open and willing as they come.  She will fall fast and hard and leave completely heartbroken.  The other contestants will be intimidated by her confidence and she will struggle to fit in. 








Jenna.  "That" drunk girl of the season.  She will drink too much during group dates and completely botch her time with Arie.  There will be sloppy kissing followed by giggling and smeared eye makeup.  To be fair, it did look like her one-on-one time with Arie on night one was at about 4am.  She was all over the place.








Ali. I am still completely flabbergasted that Ali was sent packing without a rose on night one.  I actually had to go online and double check that she was, in fact, passed by at the rose ceremony.  I would have pegged her as a shoe-in for at least top 5.  Her time with Arie was minimal during the cocktail hour but she is a textbook "give her a rose anyway" type of girl.





Annaliese.  Not many girls could pull off the whole kissing bandit costume idea and a) not get completely ripped apart by the other contestants and b) prove to be seemingly normal and lovely after removing the mask.  Do you remember Ashley's season when Jeff didn't remove his mask for several days?  I'm already putting money on Annaliese being in the Final 3 and/or being the next Bachelorette.

At least half of the reason I watch The Bachelor/ette is to spend time with Chris Harrison.  He's the best.  I've said it before and I'll say it many many more times.  He. is. the. best.

Look guys, Arie is 36 so let's just get in there and send the early-20-somethings home to their social media management jobs.  Don't talk about Emily's season, don't make anymore wiener jokes and no more references to "closing the deal" (real estate" or "getting to the finish line" (racing).  Just stop.

I'm looking forward to seeing where this season takes us.  Please follow along and leave your comments/predictions below.