Jordan goes to rehab, Britt takes a nap and Kelsey falls down. The Bachelor recap- Week 5

So much to talk about!  First of all, here is my obligatory Superbowl comment- I'm just really glad that Jordan found a job after being eliminated from The Bachelor.

She made a really incredible "Left Shark".

Also- wtf Allstate?!?  

This week's episode of The Bachelor had the girls packing their bags and heading to Santa Fe.  Megan was especially excited since she exclaimed "I've never been out of the country!".  Which is really interesting for us viewer...  but you're going to New Mexico.  Which is a state... in your home country...  And if you're marrying Chris, you'll never leave the country because you'll be too busy harvesting potatoes in Iowa.   

Carly finally got her on-one-one date and her outfit must have come from the gift shop at the airport.

Have you noticed, that every time the girls show up for a date, it's in a location that you would probably picture yourself being killed one day!?  A big empty house in the middle of a desert...  #redflag.  But wait!  Ashley S. put on a wig and revealed her true identity as a Love Guru.  Who screens these people!?  Carly and Chris were made to do so much touching and breathing into each other's faces that I thought it was a Dentyne cross-promotion!

Although the couple was clearly so uncomfortable during their "love" session with Dr. Creeps Magee, they supported each other and made the most of a really really really really really awkward situation.  I like how Chris spoke up for Carly and asked Ashley-S-in-a-wig to slow things down.  It was a good opportunity to get connected and get a feel (get it?! a feeeel) for the chemistry between them.

I'm a fan of the low-key downtime at the end of a lot of these dates.  Carly seems to thrive in those laid back settings.  It seems like she has a few issues from past relationships and perhaps some baggage to get rid of but Carly's in it for the right reasons.  Every girl deserves to feel loved and wanted by their partner and I think that's enough for her.  She's not in it for the glitz and glam of being whisked away in a helicopter.  She puts her best food forward whether it's a group date or one-on-one and comes across as a really genuine gal.  

The river rafting group date was a bit of a snooze fest and the only exciting thing that happened was Jade falling out of the boat.  Turns out, she has a rare disorder where she loses circulation when she is in cold water.  Is anyone else getting deja vu!?

Needless to say, Jade handled things remarkably better than Tierrable and,after a quick foot rub from Chris, she was back in the game.  

Ohhhhh man- look who was just passing through on her way home to Colorado after performing at the Superbowl- JORDAN!  I hope you didn't think that we could get through a season of The Bachelor with just one girl insisting she gets a second chance.  That being said, I've heard there are really nice rehabs in Santa Fe.  Where the heck was Chris Harrison when Jordan was trying to weasel her way back into Chris' hear?  A girl used to have to sit down for a conference with him before getting through the doors.  

KardAshley continues to be the most miserable person on ABC by trying to convince the girls to, not only stop being nice to Jordan but, be flat out mean to her.  She's awful and needs go home.

Wait...  where did Samantha come from?!

Britt hasn't been able to spend much quality time with Chris since she got the first impression rose. I did a bit of searching online and found this really natural picture from the day she was born:  

My problem with Britt is that just doesn't really seem it turn "it" off.  She has the same big eyes and "woooowwwww" reaction to everything and I worry that Chris isn't getting to know her as well or as quickly has girls like Carly, Kaitlyn or even Whitney.  He's obviously incredibly attracted to her and they have great physical chemistry and the same nap time.

After finding out that Chris was starting to spend more quality time with a smaller number of girls, Kelsey put on her best teacher outfit and marched herself right down to his hotel room.  She told him about her husband who died of... what was it called again... she can't remember.  "Isn't my story amazing?  It's tragic but it's amazing.  I love my story.", she told us afterwards.  While Chris consoled her, she went in for the make-out.  I thought that only happened on Soap Operas.  Nothing makes me want to suck face more than pouring my heart out about a deceased loved one.  Her in laws must think she is just charming.

Seriously- who is Samantha?

The cocktail party was cut short by an emotional Chris who alluded to the conversation he and Kelsey had which made him really think carefully about his decision this week.  Kelsey made a weird speech to the girls about it being the last time that she sees one of them again (is she going to kill them?!).  She comes across extremely condescending and a tad creepy.  

We were left with a cliff hanger and a strange moaning/whimpering panic attack by Kelsey right before the start of the rose ceremony.  Chris Harrison may finally be right- this is the most dramatic episode yet!

Ok...  I've been trying to keep it in but I can't anymore.  Wtf, Bruce Jenner?!  What is going onnnn??

Thanks for reading and, as always, join in the conversation live during The Bachelor next Monday on Twitter @midtowndiaries.  Give Midtown Diaries a little likesy on the Facebook and find out what I'm eating right now on Instagram.