I'm a fake and a fraud and I spent way too much money on these pants...

I have a confession to make.  I've been faking it...

I know... take a moment..

Just take a deep breath...

Now that you've calmed down, just let me explain.  I've always thought myself to be a bit too high-strung.  I react quickly and emotionally, I have a hard time letting things go and I'm tend to back away from tough situations instead of taking them head on.  So what do we do when we want to change our behaviours?  We look at people we would want to be more like and see what they are doing different.  One thing that kept coming up again and again as a common factor was...  yoga.

Perfect!  Balance, flow, patience, dedication, gratitude, inner healing...  Confession time... (Lindsey Jarrett- cover your eyes)...  I can't do it.  I've tried a few different instructors, at home practice, with music, without music, wearing a sweater, wearing a t-shirt, inside, outside...  I just can't do it.

I feel like a phoney when I walk into the studio in my lululemon pants (why do they cost so much?!) and long sleeve shirt with the thumb holes.  The lady next to me is breathing too loud and ... oh god... I think my instructor just started speaking in tongues...  Does it feel good afterwards?  Yes.  Is it good for me?  No doubt.  But do I need to spend an hour doing something I don't want to do just incase I, one day, become enlightened and more connected to myself and the world?

I just don't think I'm "there".  I'm not at an open, spiritual place in my life and (I think) that's ok.  But I struggle to know if that's a sign I should keep working through or go back to my Wednesday morning spin classes where my instructor makes us sing the chorus to Fat Bottom Girls at the top of our lungs while climbing a 20 min hill.  Now that is my idea of a good work out.

Look- I am in no way dissing yoga.  I know it does incredible things for people and I have the deepest respect and admiration for all of my yogi friends.  But is it normal to start out feeling so strongly against it?  Should I keep persevering through or move on to something that is just more "me"?

Please leave your comments (and suggestions!) or join the conversation @darbyvt #yogablues

Try everything that ever made you wonder...

Maybe it's the spirit of the Olympics or the exciting things going on around with my friends lately (shout out to those with new jobs, babies, husbands/wives, houses, etc!) but I think I'm slowly starting to get into this new go-get-'em mind set.  This week, I've found myself correcting my own negative thoughts and really trying to focus on all of the good.  By interrupting the negativity, I'm worrying less, feeling more calm and have more positive energy throughout the day.

In my last post, I talked about three things I wanted to work on- Saying "yes" more, conquering fears and being nicer.  All week, I've been keeping these goals in mind and have tried to seek out some new things to try.

Originally, when I vowed to say "yes!" more, I pictured wild adventures and risk taking.  Although I hope that some great stories come out of saying "yes", this week showed me that saying "no" to one thing can be saying "yes" to another.  Passing up a night of going out with friends because I need a quiet night at home is saying a huge "yes" to my needs.  In this case, it wasn't due to laziness or a lack of wanting to hang out.  It was just a need of my space and time.  But that also opened up a "yes" opportunity to get up early on Sunday morning and go for breakfast with my brother and his girlfriend which I am rarely able to do since I would have been hiding under the covers all day.  All in all, a positive "no but actually yes" scenario.

I have also been talking some time to unwind a bit in the evenings with a pot of tea, a candle and a book.  Right now I'm reading Half Blood Blues by Canadian Esi Edugyan.  My candle of the moment is Bahama Fizz from Bath & Body works and my tea is Birthday Cake from Davids Tea.

Lots of things intimidate and scare me in this world and I have the tendency to back away when things get tough. I've been eyeing the gym across the street for a year now and finally seized the day and got myself a membership.  I had an awesome trainer show me around and give me a bit of a workout routine and it's amazing how quickly I've started to see positive changes in my energy level.  I've even found myself loving spin class which may or may not have anything to do with the fact that my instructor looks and acts like Jef from Emily's season of the Bachelorette...  He told me I had great form and I almost fell off the bike.  But anywhoo...  The exercise has really been a motivator to pay a bit more attention to what I'm eating and start working on a healthier balance when it comes to meals.  On that note, I purchased a bag of Bacon Ranch popcorn from Popcorn Indiana (http://www.popcornindiana.com/buy/10).  Don't do it.  Nasty, nasty stuff.

Aside from the everyday holding the door open and please-and-thank-you's, my be nice highlight of the week was in my own apartment building.  There is an elderly man who lives on my floor.  He's known as a bit of a Chatty Calvin.  If you make eye contact or say hello, you're stuck talking to him for days.  Last time I said hello, he brought pictures of his deceased wife out of his wallet and told me all about their life together.  I typically avoid him when I'm coming and going from the building.  I saw him on a park bench outside the other day and, although everything in me told me to keep on walking, I stopped and said hello.  He simply smiled, said "Nice day!" and I was off and on my way.  I feel bad for dissing the poor guy.  I look forward to stopping to chat with him a bit more next time.

The long weekend is approaching and I look forward to more opportunities to challenge myself continue to strive for positive changes.  I encourage you to do the same.  I'd love to hear all of your comments and ideas below.

Until next time,
Darby

Follow me @darbvt